My ears ringing with obscenities and insults, I hung up the phone wanting nothing more than to curl up in a corner and cry. Breathing deeply, I called upon all the testosterone I could muster up to keep the tears at bay. Another girl, another year of my life seemingly wasted on the futile pursuit of true love. Not knowing what else to do, I went to my local supermarket, purchased a six pack of my favorite micro-brew and locked myself in my room where I could listen to depressing music and drink alone in peace. This may seem a sad and unhealthy way of dealing with grief, but in doing so I came to a couple of realizations about marrying in general. First, I realized that I had allowed this relationship (just like I had allowed everyone of my past relationships), to take on a life all of its own and eventually spiral out of my control. Second, it occurred to me that in my endless efforts to please my significant others, I had lost sight of what I needed from a relationship to make ME happy.
When I speak of a relationship taking on a life of its own, I am referring to what I like to call Broken Man Syndrome (although I've found that Broken Woman Syndrome is quite more common). Common symptoms include frequent emasculation, constant tongue lashings regarding your flaws and shortcomings, and worst of all persistent attempts to change any or all of your core personality traits. Yes, I have been guilty of accepting all of the above abuses, and on multiple occasions. Consequently, I have learned to look for certain red flags which may tell you that it's time to call it quits on a failing relationship.
First-Sometimes it's better to end a relationship before it begins. For example, you should never have to feel pressured to rush into a serious relationship when you would rather be casually dating. When you find the right person, nature will take over and a relationship will likely result. If you feel like you're at the receiving end of a sales pitch or an ultimatum, there's probably a million different reasons you shouldn't be dating this person. At this point it would be appropriate to excuse yourself and run like hell.
Second-If you've decided to devote yourself to one particular person, odds are that you've already come to terms with their positive and negative traits. Hopefully you've made peace with their imperfections. You should expect the same courtesy in return. If you find yourself defending core characteristics of your personality (barring traits that may cause you to hurt yourself or others), the time has come to hit the road. Relationships are about two people accepting each other for who they are-not about molding another person into what you would like them to be.
Third-Nobody's perfect, and most normal people know this. If you're constantly hearing about your flaws and the words aren't coming from the Almighty Himself, scold the offending party for being an arrogant nitpicker and then initiate a breakup. At this point your relationship has become emotionally abusive and you need to leave before you're caused any serious psychological trauma.
Fourth-Sometimes it can be easy to lose sight of your own needs, especially at the hands of a control freak. If you begin to feel like you're doing a whole lot of giving and not too much receiving, maybe it's time to ask yourself why you're involved in a parasitic relationship. Some people can be like emotional leeches, sucking the life out of you until they're happily engorged and you're shriveled and writhing on the floor. Never lose sight of what you need in another person...if you're not happy and fulfilled, there's no way you can maintain a healthy relationship. Remember, a relationship should be a two way street and exhibit all the balance of a tightrope walker.
My initial years of relationships were miserable and traumatic because I never jumped ship at the right time. Rather, I waited until my relationships escalated into full-blown crisis mode, burst into flames and came crashing down in a final hellish blaze. All it takes to avoid being consumed in the wreckage of a failing relationship is a little bit of self respect and knowing the right time when to call it quits....
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